Secure people are few and far between. And it can be tricky to pick them out of a crowd because so many of their qualities fly under the radar. You’ll never hear a secure person talk about how secure they are — they just are. They are never the peacock in the room, and instead choose to carry a light that shines the brightest when no one is watching. They have a very quiet and subtle confidence that isn’t rattled by outcomes, feedback, or events. The secure person has a deep understanding of and connection to their worth, as well as their role in the preservation of the greater good.
So, how can we separate secure people from the rest? Here are 5 things to look out for:
They don’t view your success as their failure
Secure people don’t base their self-worth on the triumphs or downfalls of others. They know that their time and energy are finite resources, and they choose to use them to fuel genuine self-growth. Secure people are at peace with the fact that no matter what, someone out there in the world will always be better or worse at something than them. As a result, they are able to feel genuine happiness for friends, family, and acquaintances when good things happen. They give credit where credit is due and never belittle accomplishments. The secure person is able to say “congratulations, I’m so happy for you,” and really mean it.
They don’t compliment with adjectives ending in “-est”
Let’s say you lost 15 pounds as a result of your new workout plan. Two of your friends notice and decide to compliment you. One says “wow, you’re the skinniest you’ve ever looked.” The other says, “you look great, I’m so proud of all of your hard work.” There is a subtle but significant difference here. What happens if you continue to work hard, but you gain back some of the weight? The first compliment will no longer apply, but the second one will.
When people tack “-est” onto the end of complimentary adjectives — “greatest,” “strongest,” “smartest” — it’s rooted in comparison, and consequently, it’s fleeting. Instead of focusing on outcomes, secure people see the value in progress, and understand that the journey is never a straight line. They compliment in a way that will make you feel good about your effort, not about how things look to the outside world.
They don’t one-up
Imagine that you just bought your first house. You’re really excited about it, until you tell a friend or family member who immediately shifts the focus of the conversation to their house and how big and beautiful it is. No matter what you do or don’t do in your life, that person will always aim to prove how much smarter, richer, and more talented they are than you. Secure people, on the other hand, will be the first to ask to hear more about the thing you’re most proud of. They’ll celebrate your accomplishments with you, and you’ll walk away from the conversation feeling more energized and proud of yourself than you were before.
They don’t confuse listening with hearing
Have you ever had a feeling when talking to someone that whatever you said went in one ear and out the other? That doesn’t happen when you talk to secure people. They are active listeners and remain aware of how their words, body language, and expressions make you feel during the conversation. People who hear aim either to exit the discussion quickly or shift the focus to themselves as fast as possible. But the goal of people who listen is to fully understand the message, and provide honest, genuine, and useful support or feedback. For this reason, the secure person is the one people consistently go to when they need to “talk.”
Their support doesn’t waver when things are good or bad
When you’re at the top and things are going well, countless people will be there to remind you of how “vital” they were to your success. But when you think back to different stages in your journey, you have to ask yourself who was truly there. These are the people you’d choose to be trapped with on a deserted island. Secure people will show you the same level of support in all seasons of your life. They understand that a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor, probably because they’ve experienced it themselves. Above all, secure people will remain in your life because they value and will be there for you in the same way that they value and are there for themselves, regardless of who else chooses to come and go at different points along the way.
Originally published at https://www.kimandroy.com on September 12, 2020.
